Weird Me

There's probably something wrong with me and how I was raised. It's like everywhere I go, whatever I do, whoever I'm with, I feel like I don't have the right to do anything. In my own standards, everything I do and say is a risk. I'm used to it and that's pretty much the reason why it's easy for me to take risks. At the same time, however, it's not easy for me to take control and exercise power. It can only be a dream for me to be able to stand on my own at the top of the world. I do feel like I'm at the top of the world with you, though.

We'll Get There

I don't know how we'll get there, but we will. I know we will.
Second term is over. I might have failed classes. I pray that I did not. I am not allowed to.
I was give the chance to play the lead role for this term's production. They just gave me the role. I wasn't given the chance to think about it or to turn it down. Or maybe I was just too scared to. So I accepted it. And it was a disaster. Well, to me it was. Most likely, to the rest of the guild, too. I was never able to do good because I was never really able to totally love what I was doing. Of course, that character would always have a special place in my heart. I've fallen in love with it. Maybe I didn't have what was needed to portray him properly. Maybe I just didn't feel like it. Maybe I just don't have anything at all.
On a positive note, I got something I never thought I would. Like ever. My fantasies came to life. I feel so lucky and blessed.
Catching up on a lot of things I missed. I don't know what to do now. Should I quit? Should I stay? Why? Why not? It is still an uninvited guest in my life. However, I have fallen in love with it. I am attached. It will hurt when I let it go. I wouldn't know what to do with my life without it, but I know I'll find something now that I have something special to live for. It isn't perfect, but I want it to be forever.
My Christmas Wishlist: Books. All books.

• Raven's Gate by Anthony Horowitz 
• Freefall by Gordon and Williams 
• Deeper by Gordon and Williams 
• Closer by Gordon and Williams 
• The 39 Clues: Cahills Vs. Vespers: A Kings's Ransom by Jude Watson 
• The 39 Clues: Cahills Vs. Vespers: The Dead Of Nightv by Peter Lerangis 
• The 39 Clues: Cahills Vs. Vespers: Shatterproof by Roland Smith 
• The 39 Clues: Cahills Vs. Vespers: Trust No One by Linda Sue Park 
• Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R Tolkien 
• The Chronicles Of Narnia by C.S. Lewis 
• Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events 
• The Kane Chronicles by Rick Riordan
• The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
• The Rise Of Nine by Pittacus Lore Jinx On The Divide by Elizabeth Kay 
• The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare 
• The Infernal Devices by Cassandra Clare 
• The Secrets of The Immortal Nicholas Flammel by Michael Scott 
• Semptimus Heap Series by Angie Sage 

That's not yet everything. I just know. And don't give me boxed sets unless the series is actually done.

Thank Goodness

Yes. I know Wicked. Okay. So goodness knows how thankful I am that high school is OVER. Finally not compelled to see some people's faces now. However, they seem to have been replaced. And some still reappear. I know I made a personal promise to change my ways, but I'll just use weird ass names here. Baby Bop is still around. I manatee came in like a tsunami with some unidentified species. Rumors flooded, but not in a post hoc ergo propter hoc relation with the tidal wave. There are still hateable people, but not that many quick-witted cohorts to converse about it with. Division is represented by trenches. Everything is vague. Opportunities come and go, overlapping each other, in pace faster than I can live with. However, I still feel grateful as I am aware that I, for some reason, am becoming closer to God. I just feel like participating. Right now, I really want it to happen mainly because I am thankful, however, my reason right now is because I am sinful. And as I have been indoctrinated, I need help. I remember one good friend in high school who was very holy. Actually, IS very holy. And I remember him telling me and another close friend, for a reason I forgot (but I'm sure we provoked him), that the reason he wants to Christ-like is because he was (now I'm not that sure) sinful and he needed help. And so I am thankful for all the things (mostly laernings) from high school that remain etched in my subconscious. I pray that they all surface when I need them or as soon as I can remember them. I know they will help me become the man that everyone expects of me (some indirectly) and that I will become the person I want to be. Famous. jk

Tired Of Resting

Okay. i tried really hard to begin with "I have never put much thought on..." but i failed. See? I do not know anything important that I've never put any thought on because I (tend to) overthink. Right now, I have more than a week (nine days) to do things I want to without any workload from school to think about. Still, I can't seem to relax. After one term in college, I feel like I became poor. Not financially, though, I already am. However, I now seem to be able to see what I lost in trying (well, not really) to blend in. I say not really because there was no trying. It just so happened that someone's fart from a different continent passed and suddenly I have friends in college. And now that a term of being with them is over, I have nine days to evaluate what I lost from what I gained. I lost a lot of things. I lost my phone. Well, that's actually something with so much sentimental value. I really miss high school now. And for some reason, I still tend to write it as "highschool" and then feel stupid while rewriting it. I miss the (seemingly) intellectual exchange of retorts with my (um) wise(?) friends. I still kind of get that in college, but not from a lot of people. In fact, so far, only from two. In college, what normally happens with me is, I run out of statements that people would get. For some reason, if I use the same kind of thinking (I wouldn't say witty) I used in high school, it would seem out of this world. No offense to my classmates, but I kinda had to downgrade. It's contagious. Actually.

In The End

Last Saturday, I couldn't stop my tears. There was a foreign and yet not unwanted feeling that was give to me. I never knew it could happen until it happened to me (oh yeah). Kidding aside, all my hard work paid off. I am always happy as I had to be or I'd break down, but I was never that happy.

I was called to the stage to receive the best actor award. The sad part was my parents weren't there to share that moment with me. Still, they were happy for me. They said so.

Before receiving the award and before the first show date however, my complaints have already clustered. I could easily cry about them and that was why my mind was set on quitting the guild after the playfest.

I decided to do my best and leave with a feeling of fulfillment as I had already expected that the probable mediocrity my resolution would show on stage would reserve no special credit whatsoever. However, I still played a big role and was given some compliments by a few good friends. Even more surprising was the fact that my best friend actually watched without me knowing that she was actually going to. I still can't remember how she bought a ticket. All I know is I saw that very familiar hand (plus basically the entire body) gesture from where I was after the curtain call and I knew. That was such a good feeling.

Honestly, I expected to get the promising actor award because I thought what I did was simply promising as that was what was said during the bloodbath. However, I wasn't even nominated. It was never not okay with me. I did not feel down, nor was I disappointed. Then the six (I think) nominees for best actor were called and I was one of them. I was so sure it was the other guy, but no. We were both called after everyone was told that there was a tie.

I just couldn't believe it.

My heart probably skipped a beat but I really am not sure since everything was a blur in the dark theater. I was nervous for a moment and even felt that maybe, somehow, some way, maybe I didn't deserve the award. Then I remembered everything. Every moment, every second of every rehearsal. Every conversation, every word, every complain. One by one, my tears kept falling. I stopped them. The awards night ended and all the members of my group hugged.

People started congratulating those who got special awards. Then it came. A huge wave of happiness and relief and fulfillment. Then I couldn't stop them as the tidal wave overcame me and released itself through my eyes.

I Miss My Bed

One thing about sacrifices is that they have to be for necessary reasons. In high school, one of the important things I learned is how to prioritize things. And now in college, I know by heart that my studies HAVE to come first.

Joining the university's theater guild, I knew that one of the consequences would be having to head home late everyday when preparing for a production. What I did not sign up for was the part where they leave me a few hours to sleep and procrastinate, and only Sundays to cram for all my studies and go to church.

Why I'm pissed off now is because I do not want mediocrity. I've known how to fear being mediocre. It's so close to the thing I fear the most. Failure.

And how am I supposed to be at my best when I can't even rest?

Why I Hated High School

I remember how high school totally took over my entire life by having a death grip on me from nine in the morning until seven-forty in the evening. I hated that. I hated how only my classmates were there. I hated how I had to wake up from a restless night of cramming only to go to school and nothing more. I hated how I still had to be in school most Saturdays of a scholastic year. I hated how it killed my in every way in could.

And now in college, it's happening again. But what I hate the most about this is the fact that I had a choice. I sometimes think I was lured into a trap.

Just a froshie, I was excited to join a big group. I don't do chorale classics so I already knew I'll never be there. I still tried though. The other singing group had very daring auditions so I couldn't try. I don't dance and so, I was left to try for the theater guild. I didn't like the one I got into when I was in high school so I was nervous about this one. Very unsure.

Then things became funneh. I got in. Rumor has it that I'm pre-casted for some big roles despite my failure of a monologue. People were warm at first. Then, everything changed when the fire nation attacked. Well, I just had to say that. Fuck it. Then the restless nights came.

My original schedule requires me to be in school before eight am and leave after either four-ten or two-thirty. I thought I had a lot of time because of the my routine in high school. Turns out, that was just adequate time to finally be a good student.

My bad. I joined a group that basically takes over my entire life. It was fun at first. But it became too tiring to be totally fun. The are still minutes of fun. But other than that, it's all sweat and walking and talking. -,- I don't like it anymore.

I'm thinking of quitting, but something might happen and I might even stay until the next term.