Won't Reload

Not that I have forgotten how it was to be me, but for many times now, I’ve caught myself red-handed. First Offense, I caught myself being a love song. At that time, I was subconsciously sticking to pretentious definitions of affections. All the while, I was turning a blind eye on how everything was on a downward spiral. Even in the beginning it was. The slide just started at a very high point, but it was still going down because gravity was inevitable. It was very slippery. I think that’s because lube was involved.

Wrong. The first offense was that uninvited guest that was such a scam. I thought it was very interesting and productive and very much what college was supposed to be. It was what college was supposed to be. According to movies and tv shows and fanfics, that is. I was an astronaut on a spaceship. My ship was gravitating towards an unknown and interesting matter. I’m very, very close know that it’s a black hole and I’m about to crash.

University life has become one big social life. I wasn’t being the student I promised myself I was going to be. I have disappointed every mentor ever. I have disappointed the friends who were used to whatever I used to be. I have disappointed my family. Well, in the end, actually, they will be disappointed. This part, though, is only about academics and not how I’ll run my life. Above all, however, I have greatly disappointed myself by becoming a hypocrite. Again, I’m only talking academics.

Latest offense is just a repeat of the previous one. Well, today, I was out with friends. Three weeks ago, I’d take that as going to school. However today, we were accidentally updating each other about our positions in our different, but neighbouring tiers. They got to mention that we were on our junior year next year and that what they were doing was normal. I felt guilty. An internal rapture was about to begin, but I smile and ate more Wendy’s. I was still hiding all my failures. I remained a dreamer, and stayed asleep never to see the sun rise from the clouds. Maybe it’s the fear that whatever I do during the day, the sun will still set and everything will be celebrated alone in the dark. However, it is time I stop this educational farce. This time, I will actually know what I’m writing about. Not only that, in the future, I’ll be able to use bigger words conversationally and actually know what they mean without making a fool of myself. I’ll make me proud. It's my party I'll do what I want.

Time tata Time

Every weekend is a long weekend. Seeing as i'm only required and suggested to go to school for only four days a week. It is an enticing idea for those in the primary and secondary. Even more so the idea of being in charge of your own schedule. So, every three months, I change schedules. It's very experimental. There's a suggestive flowchart, but I thought yea fuck.

I didn't follow my flowchart. I spent more time planning my schedule than actually following it. Now I feel like I'm failing. I can only write about it to get it out off my chest. It will never be enough though. Although merely writing this now is already helping.

I was used to an academic life where I focused so much on academics because I pushed myself and so did others. Now, I feel like no one believes in me and I forgot about all the reasons as to why I even breathe. It's not sad. I'm not sad. I guess I'm just lost. It's really not bad. This entry is already helping as it is being written.

I've asked my dad about shifting to Literature. No one can really tell me whether I should quit or not. I guess everything really is up to me. All except maybe the fact that mom doesn't want me to shift out of accounting because it's always trending and will always be needed and shit. I guess it's a good degree, then. Actually, I know it's a good path and a good goal. It is very tedious, however. I hate it. I hate my course. Psychology seems to be too easy, it's not even interesting for me now. It used to be, but then it appears I'm actually more interested in sociology. Pow-tay-tow pow-tah-tow. Toe-mae-toe, toe-mah-toe. Well.

In the next five entries I promise to be taking actions about this shit.

No Place Like Home

I don't know about you, but there is no place like home. There's no privacy. It's where my heart is. There're so much secrets. I love everyone. I hate it. No one exactly runs it, but it stands. It's broken, but it's a family. A lot of firsts were here. Fists have been hurled at some people. Hurtful words which can never be taken back come from it's soil, nurtured it's roots into a fragile Yggdrasil. Food? How do I even begin to talk about food. Dreams came alive, so did nightmares. It's the safest place in a world where nowhere is safe.

An Epic About Me

I don't know what to write, but I have things I want to say. I have too much things that I want to write about. I just don't know how to say them.

School. I did really bad on my fourth term in college. Fifth term and I'm slightly better, but the old me remains unrivaled in academics. I despise what I have become. I'm not in an unfixable state yet I can't seem to fix it. Maybe it's my bones, maybe, it's my muscles. Worse, it cold simply be because life simply has no purpose and I should just stop thinking about my purpose in life and live on selfishly and robotic.

I'm starting to see some of the things that need fixing with myself. However, I have yet to learn about and accept what causes all these. I am happy-not blissful, but it suffices.

I'll never stop believing that I will make it and that I was made for something special. Maybe that's just optimism. I just hope it's not the blind kind.

I miss the way things were, and yet I love how things are right now. I don't hate anything. I'm not numb. However, somehow, I feel a void. The longing for what would fill it isn't there, though. I'm not scared, but I fear I am stuck.

I'll make it.

Clearly, there are somethings I have yet to clarify with myself. Seeing how I wrote what this followed, there are a lot of spaces which weren't in the past. They have to be filled. Until then, I

Preview

I'm going to find out what I'm good at or make myself good at something, if not the best.

Fleeting

After all it was my fault. For fear that my truths would cause harm and chaos, I remained a pacifist. Perhaps it was just the fact that I trust myself and only myself when it comes to all things under the sun. I didn't know what I was doing. I did not know who I was with. The introduction was part of the body and the conclusion came to a sudden, rushed halt. We were supposed to be a prose, but we tread too carefully with flowery words of sunshines and rainbows like a sonnet. Even a presentation prepared as it was being delivered would not be a success.

Shards, still surviving, it stings whenever something, someone, somewhere somehow makes it beat as loud as before. I was better off on my own. I never needed anyone. The acquisition of a vast new set of bedazzled memories was exciting, then harmful. That moment when you're the deer in the headlights and a rush runs through all of you and your life flashes right before your eyes. You are paralyzed. I was paralyzed. My own train of thought hit me and I was able to save myself

The better days lifted me to where I thought I belong. The bitter days were too heavy and unnecessary. Alone, I was good and happy. I've had my own share of extremes. I never needed anyone. The kiss was overwhelming. Perhaps that's true for both parties. It was true for me. The kill came before the hunt. At first, I thought it was a game. I played too far. I'm sorry.

Camp

Camp came after a two-day retreat that ended with me arriving home at eleven pm because I had to pass by Taft right after coming from an underdeveloped island and a two-day turn-over and year-end party.

Camp made me feel more aware of what I was doing. I was already aware, but my friends there and the pastors made me realize what I was doing. I admit that what actually happened during the entire four days was a battle between myself and I for the truth that I'll accept. It ended with me being changed by camp. Forever. I met friends and discovered a few stuff.

The most important thing I got there was the fuel to change. We were asked to write stuff we would want to sacrifice on a sheet of paper. I told my friends I wasn't ready to give something up. Fortunately, Charity was there to tell me to take it slow. So I did. At least that way, I am in a battle I can fight and win.

This post should just remind me of the decisions I made in camp. Hopefully, one day, I look at it and say that I succeeded and that I deserve the good things in life because I have already become the man I decided to be.