Won't Reload

Not that I have forgotten how it was to be me, but for many times now, I’ve caught myself red-handed. First Offense, I caught myself being a love song. At that time, I was subconsciously sticking to pretentious definitions of affections. All the while, I was turning a blind eye on how everything was on a downward spiral. Even in the beginning it was. The slide just started at a very high point, but it was still going down because gravity was inevitable. It was very slippery. I think that’s because lube was involved.

Wrong. The first offense was that uninvited guest that was such a scam. I thought it was very interesting and productive and very much what college was supposed to be. It was what college was supposed to be. According to movies and tv shows and fanfics, that is. I was an astronaut on a spaceship. My ship was gravitating towards an unknown and interesting matter. I’m very, very close know that it’s a black hole and I’m about to crash.

University life has become one big social life. I wasn’t being the student I promised myself I was going to be. I have disappointed every mentor ever. I have disappointed the friends who were used to whatever I used to be. I have disappointed my family. Well, in the end, actually, they will be disappointed. This part, though, is only about academics and not how I’ll run my life. Above all, however, I have greatly disappointed myself by becoming a hypocrite. Again, I’m only talking academics.

Latest offense is just a repeat of the previous one. Well, today, I was out with friends. Three weeks ago, I’d take that as going to school. However today, we were accidentally updating each other about our positions in our different, but neighbouring tiers. They got to mention that we were on our junior year next year and that what they were doing was normal. I felt guilty. An internal rapture was about to begin, but I smile and ate more Wendy’s. I was still hiding all my failures. I remained a dreamer, and stayed asleep never to see the sun rise from the clouds. Maybe it’s the fear that whatever I do during the day, the sun will still set and everything will be celebrated alone in the dark. However, it is time I stop this educational farce. This time, I will actually know what I’m writing about. Not only that, in the future, I’ll be able to use bigger words conversationally and actually know what they mean without making a fool of myself. I’ll make me proud. It's my party I'll do what I want.

Time tata Time

Every weekend is a long weekend. Seeing as i'm only required and suggested to go to school for only four days a week. It is an enticing idea for those in the primary and secondary. Even more so the idea of being in charge of your own schedule. So, every three months, I change schedules. It's very experimental. There's a suggestive flowchart, but I thought yea fuck.

I didn't follow my flowchart. I spent more time planning my schedule than actually following it. Now I feel like I'm failing. I can only write about it to get it out off my chest. It will never be enough though. Although merely writing this now is already helping.

I was used to an academic life where I focused so much on academics because I pushed myself and so did others. Now, I feel like no one believes in me and I forgot about all the reasons as to why I even breathe. It's not sad. I'm not sad. I guess I'm just lost. It's really not bad. This entry is already helping as it is being written.

I've asked my dad about shifting to Literature. No one can really tell me whether I should quit or not. I guess everything really is up to me. All except maybe the fact that mom doesn't want me to shift out of accounting because it's always trending and will always be needed and shit. I guess it's a good degree, then. Actually, I know it's a good path and a good goal. It is very tedious, however. I hate it. I hate my course. Psychology seems to be too easy, it's not even interesting for me now. It used to be, but then it appears I'm actually more interested in sociology. Pow-tay-tow pow-tah-tow. Toe-mae-toe, toe-mah-toe. Well.

In the next five entries I promise to be taking actions about this shit.

No Place Like Home

I don't know about you, but there is no place like home. There's no privacy. It's where my heart is. There're so much secrets. I love everyone. I hate it. No one exactly runs it, but it stands. It's broken, but it's a family. A lot of firsts were here. Fists have been hurled at some people. Hurtful words which can never be taken back come from it's soil, nurtured it's roots into a fragile Yggdrasil. Food? How do I even begin to talk about food. Dreams came alive, so did nightmares. It's the safest place in a world where nowhere is safe.

An Epic About Me

I don't know what to write, but I have things I want to say. I have too much things that I want to write about. I just don't know how to say them.

School. I did really bad on my fourth term in college. Fifth term and I'm slightly better, but the old me remains unrivaled in academics. I despise what I have become. I'm not in an unfixable state yet I can't seem to fix it. Maybe it's my bones, maybe, it's my muscles. Worse, it cold simply be because life simply has no purpose and I should just stop thinking about my purpose in life and live on selfishly and robotic.

I'm starting to see some of the things that need fixing with myself. However, I have yet to learn about and accept what causes all these. I am happy-not blissful, but it suffices.

I'll never stop believing that I will make it and that I was made for something special. Maybe that's just optimism. I just hope it's not the blind kind.

I miss the way things were, and yet I love how things are right now. I don't hate anything. I'm not numb. However, somehow, I feel a void. The longing for what would fill it isn't there, though. I'm not scared, but I fear I am stuck.

I'll make it.

Clearly, there are somethings I have yet to clarify with myself. Seeing how I wrote what this followed, there are a lot of spaces which weren't in the past. They have to be filled. Until then, I

Preview

I'm going to find out what I'm good at or make myself good at something, if not the best.

Fleeting

After all it was my fault. For fear that my truths would cause harm and chaos, I remained a pacifist. Perhaps it was just the fact that I trust myself and only myself when it comes to all things under the sun. I didn't know what I was doing. I did not know who I was with. The introduction was part of the body and the conclusion came to a sudden, rushed halt. We were supposed to be a prose, but we tread too carefully with flowery words of sunshines and rainbows like a sonnet. Even a presentation prepared as it was being delivered would not be a success.

Shards, still surviving, it stings whenever something, someone, somewhere somehow makes it beat as loud as before. I was better off on my own. I never needed anyone. The acquisition of a vast new set of bedazzled memories was exciting, then harmful. That moment when you're the deer in the headlights and a rush runs through all of you and your life flashes right before your eyes. You are paralyzed. I was paralyzed. My own train of thought hit me and I was able to save myself

The better days lifted me to where I thought I belong. The bitter days were too heavy and unnecessary. Alone, I was good and happy. I've had my own share of extremes. I never needed anyone. The kiss was overwhelming. Perhaps that's true for both parties. It was true for me. The kill came before the hunt. At first, I thought it was a game. I played too far. I'm sorry.

Camp

Camp came after a two-day retreat that ended with me arriving home at eleven pm because I had to pass by Taft right after coming from an underdeveloped island and a two-day turn-over and year-end party.

Camp made me feel more aware of what I was doing. I was already aware, but my friends there and the pastors made me realize what I was doing. I admit that what actually happened during the entire four days was a battle between myself and I for the truth that I'll accept. It ended with me being changed by camp. Forever. I met friends and discovered a few stuff.

The most important thing I got there was the fuel to change. We were asked to write stuff we would want to sacrifice on a sheet of paper. I told my friends I wasn't ready to give something up. Fortunately, Charity was there to tell me to take it slow. So I did. At least that way, I am in a battle I can fight and win.

This post should just remind me of the decisions I made in camp. Hopefully, one day, I look at it and say that I succeeded and that I deserve the good things in life because I have already become the man I decided to be.

Mash Up

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
I did my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough.
And the feeling that I'm falling further in love makes me shiver.
You found me.
Lights will guide you home.
Take me baby.
Or leave me.
I'm a a diva.
Finally, you put my love on top.
Your name has echoed through my mind.
So I'm coming back to you.
Just trust the voice within.
Look into my eyes.
I don't know which side to buy.
Word on the street you got something to show me.
I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss.
See heaven's got a plan for you.
Hallelujah.
Death could not hold you down.
Fly faster than I'm falling in love.
I'll wave goodbye, watching you shine bright.
I choose to be happy.
Don't let me go.
You're the only thing I see.
But then they let me fall.
I wish I could re-write.
Should I stay or should I go?
But it's now become a lie.
I'm not the one you're needing.
Like a super massive black hole.
There's nothing inside.
Be brave, little one.

The Artist Block Experience IV

amazing people from the community helping us fix the path in front of the preschool


 
the wonderful val missing preschool


 
the facade of the preschool. it was really wonderful.

The Artist Block Experience III

I feel emotionally grateful to all out sponsors, my classmates, our facilitators, and those members of the community who helped us. The entire CWTS was a huge learning experience for me. Personally, I would really like to that Mr. Anil for being very patient with all of us since the first day.

I actually remember how I was always late for the afternoon classroom sessions. And I even remember just how late I was for the first meeting. I have to admit, I didn't who Sir Anil was at that time. I had to ask people from my CAO group to understand just how much respect he deserves.

During the first meetings, he was able to make us feel comfortable around each other and at the same time, plant seeds of long-term solutions within all of us. That first meeting, I realized just how wise he was for his age and just how amazing of a person he was.

When we had problems during the execution of the project, he was there to lecture us on our mistakes and at the same time, understand our reasons and accept our apologies for our shortcomings.

Our project head, Joshua, was also really amazing. During both terms of CWTS, he had such heavy loads from our organization, but he was still able to pull it off. It was almost a miracle. And to all the amazing CAO friends that I got to know because of CWTS (and my amazing social skills /charot/), I salute them for all their hard work and all the heart they gave for our project to push through.

Now that the eternally tiring CWTS is done, I miss it. I'll see everyone around school. Sir Anil is leaving, but I know I'll always remember him for as long as I get neither amnesia nor Alzheimer's.

The Artist Block Experience II

Regularly visiting Catmon to accomplish what we really had to was really tiring for me. It was really hot there. Even before that, the moment I wake up, I immediately give up thinking of all the stress that would come after the academic part of the day is over. Well, I guess I'd just have to suck it up since I am involved in another theater production.

I guess I let my selfishness take over me that entire time.

The shooting for the video started and that's when, I think, I felt like I was being of use to my classmates who have working so hard since the first visit.

The shooting was done and I was just ashamed of my face. There were shots that were so up close, I could see my pores cry.

But I don't care since that is, I think, my major contribution to the entire project.

Right now, I feel like I want to do more for the community. However, I think all I can do now is pray for the other block because they're still not done. And also for the next artists who will, hopefully, be as effective as us or perhaps even more. To add to that, I really hope that my friend, the other class's project leader, would be able to do something that would go together with what we left for the community. The last day of our stay in the community, half of their class just stayed inside the preschool and sang randoms songs, just killing time. I was there since I volunteered to guard the bags with my classmate who needed a lot of sleep. Also because one of my classmates spontaneously mentioned some sort of law for productivity or something. I know I'll encounter that again since we have the same majors.

In the end, it was actually true, though, that all of us didn't have to work to be productive. The one's left downstairs found their own momentum with their work and they did such impressive painting jobs, I felt ashamed because I can't paint anything. I guess that's just one of my (very few) flaws.

Kidding aside, it was very enjoyable to be with all of them. Especially with a facilitator like the one we were blessed with.

The Artist Block Experience I

During the first exposure trip, I heard from the other blocks that a  lot of them got sick. I didn't. I guess growing up in a community not so far from the likes of Catmon helped me adjust easily to where we went. Yes, the wall was scary. I have fear of heights. And drowning. And murky waters. All of them were there. And we had to take that path almost every time we went there.

Ate Sharon was the mother of our host family. She had two kids. Her hospitality and the presence of those kids made it really worth it for me to try to get over my fears every week. Still, I felt so much relief when we no more had to go to the host families and instead, they go and meet us all in one meeting place. Ate Sharon was pregnant with her third child when we first met her. She gave birth during the term break and so we were able to see the third child in our host families. I just have to say, that child was the cutest I've seen in Catmon. I do not speak with bias just because they're my host family.

Having lunch with the pregnant ate Sharon and her two kids was really amazing. As my partner and I kept talking to her, we discovered a lot of similarities between all of us. First was that our provinces were not so distant from each other. Another was when ate Sharon tried to recall her experiences in the city where I live in, trying to figure out where exactly I live.

Personally, I didn't care about what we were supposed to do while we were with them. All I wanted to do was to talk with them and let the get to know me as I get to know them as well. That part went well. Ate Sharon even has my number and she can just text me anytime. Even now. I can really say that I am going to miss their family and if it can happen, maybe my classmates and I can set up a reunion sometime in the future and come back to Catmon as a whole, without it being a school activity, just us visiting them and trying to help if we can.