Not that I have forgotten how it was to be
me, but for many times now, I’ve caught myself red-handed. First Offense, I
caught myself being a love song. At that time, I was subconsciously sticking to
pretentious definitions of affections. All the while, I was turning a blind eye
on how everything was on a downward spiral. Even in the beginning it was. The
slide just started at a very high point, but it was still going down because
gravity was inevitable. It was very slippery. I think that’s because lube was involved.
Wrong. The first offense was that
uninvited guest that was such a scam. I thought it was very interesting and
productive and very much what college was supposed to be. It was what college was
supposed to be. According to movies and tv shows and fanfics, that is. I was an
astronaut on a spaceship. My ship was gravitating towards an unknown and
interesting matter. I’m very, very close know that it’s a black hole and I’m
about to crash.
University life has become one big social
life. I wasn’t being the student I promised myself I was going to be. I have
disappointed every mentor ever. I have disappointed the friends who were used
to whatever I used to be. I have disappointed my family. Well, in the end,
actually, they will be disappointed. This part, though, is only about academics
and not how I’ll run my life. Above all, however, I have greatly disappointed
myself by becoming a hypocrite. Again, I’m only talking academics.
Latest offense is just a repeat of the
previous one. Well, today, I was out with friends. Three weeks ago, I’d take
that as going to school. However today, we were accidentally updating each
other about our positions in our different, but neighbouring tiers. They got to
mention that we were on our junior year next year and that what they were doing
was normal. I felt guilty. An internal rapture was about to begin, but I smile
and ate more Wendy’s. I was still hiding all my failures. I remained a dreamer,
and stayed asleep never to see the sun rise from the clouds. Maybe it’s the
fear that whatever I do during the day, the sun will still set and everything
will be celebrated alone in the dark. However, it is time I stop this
educational farce. This time, I will actually know what I’m writing about. Not
only that, in the future, I’ll be able to use bigger words conversationally and
actually know what they mean without making a fool of myself. I’ll make me
proud. It's my party I'll do what I want.
